When Children See Both Parents Arguing ...
Do the children already understand? Very young children may not understand what is happening, but they understand your emotions well. E. Mark Cumming, a psychologist at Notre Dame University, has been studying this problem for 20 years. According to him, children pay attention to the emotions of their parents and think "Is it safe to be here?"
Cumming also added several studies that have shown that 6-month-old babies have understood their parents' emotions through facial expressions. Babies understand when you are sad and other emotional feelings. Other research shows that children who are not able to adjust to school (TK) are children who grow up with conflicts between parents. These children tend to feel insecure while at school. This feeling continues until the child enters middle school.
What Happens to These Children?
A 2002 study by Rena Repetti, Shelley E, and Teresa E. Seeman of the University of California, LA, regarding children living in high conflict family environments, found the fact that children who grew up in families with high conflict levels had physical health problems, emotional problems, and other social problems.
Not only that, as these children grow up, they also tend to experience depression, emotional reactivity, dependency on certain addictive substances, feel lonely, and have problems with intimacy.
Cumming added that children who grew up in high conflict families tend to feel hopeless, have a high level of anxiety, often feel angry. Some other children also experience sleep disorders, headaches, stomachaches. Not infrequently these children experience stress that can interfere with academic ability at school.
An anthropologist Mark Flinn and Barry England found the fact that the hormone cortisol (stress regulating hormone) in children living with both parents often quarreled on the island of Dominica, the Caribbean rose sharply. These children are also often sick and look exhausted from lack of sleep. While the cortisol hormone in children who are raised in loving families tends to decrease.
What are the things that bother children when they see parents arguing?
Many things can be seen and felt by children when they see their parents fighting. Some things that always interfere with the child's psychic according to Cumming is
1. Harsh words when calling the name of a spouse including insults certain things.
2. Physical violence such as hitting, pushing, or slapping.
4. One partner walks out (walks away from the other pair).
4. Mutually stay away from the couple.
There are times when a parent decides to be quiet and not fight in front of a child. Many parents think this is better than letting their children see a fight. However, the emotions that still exist between you and your partner are still felt by the child. Cumming said that this didn't help at all.
According to Cumming, children are the most sophisticated conflict analysts. The ability of children to detect emotions is much better than what is predicted by parents. For example, when you and your partner pretend nothing has happened, even though you conflict, children can detect it.
Fight well!
Is there a way to fight well? Yes, fighting properly means that a fight has a positive impact on children. The positive impact of this fight occurs if both parents can solve the problems that occur. So the child learns that both parents love each other. Children also learn about conflict resolution through both parents.
What happens to children when parents fight
√ Say if you and your partner are fighting
According to Richard Gallagher, Ph.D., director of the Parenting Institution at the center of children's studies, the University of New York, children need to know that even couples who are happy and love each other have a fight or have differences of opinion.
So don't pretend nothing happened in front of the child. Explain to children that everyday minor conflicts are natural. This does not mean that parents hate each other. The purpose of explaining to children is that children understand that differences of opinion are part of life. However, that doesn't mean that you have to explain the fight in detail.
√ Don't Let Children Become Referees
Ever heard a child say, "Mama, don't be angry with Dad, okay?" If ever, this is a red light for you and your partner. Stop the fight immediately. The child does not want to choose between Father or Mama. Children also do not want to be a mediator or referee in a fight between you and your partner. Children just want a truce. Children want their parents to get along well.
√ Sensitive to Child Stress Signs
Yes, children can indeed be stressed when they see their parents fighting. Therefore you need to know the signs of stressed children and should immediately end the quarrel that occurs. Some children show stress by closing their ears or eyes and running to another room when they see parents fighting. Other children may show defending a parent. Other signs of stress can be in the form of frequent pain, such as headaches or stomachaches.
√ Fight with Rely on Empathy
Tell your partner that you know their feelings. Say that you know the difficulties your partner is facing.
√ Say Everything with Kindness
Whatever needs to be said when fighting, say with kindness. Do not cuss, or call the name of a spouse with abusive or insulting calls. Say everything in positive words. Also, don't talk about physical use. These means do not ever fight involving a punch or slap. Especially when you and your partner in front of children.
Any argument that triggers it does cause sadness. Not only for you and your partner but also for children. Some things you should not do when fighting with a partner. For example posting status on social media.
Understand the child's feelings when you fight with your partner. Do not let fights that occur continuously hurt the development of the soul and health of children.
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